Ansari’s material on the allegation in Right Now is almost identical to his discussion of the incident in March show. … Coercion is NOT consent.”. Does she think of her experience any differently now than she did before it became a national topic of conversation? Does she wish the story had been handled differently? This is why we talk about ‘rape culture.’ It’s totally possible that he, like many men, was doing what he was taught to do. Why did Trump think publishing his 60 Minutes interview footage was a good idea? But Ansari has not been destroyed, nor have many of the men who have been the subject of reports of harassment or assault in recent months. She said she initially liked him, but quickly became … The Trump campaign has been whining about anything and everything related to the second presidential debate. Ever since babe.net published the piece about Grace — a 23-year-old photographer who had a terrible sexual encounter with actor and comedian Aziz Ansari — the topic of what constitutes as sexual assault has been at the forefront of many people’s minds. Did you know, for instance, that people who’ve been sexually assaulted or abused in other ways in the past, especially childhood, often have trouble speaking up and removing themselves from situations like this? A massive cultural change is hopefully taking place.”. they’re owed a return to their high-profile careers, Julianne Escobedo Shepherd wrote at Jezebel, Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey of the New York Times, #MeToo: Sexual harassment and assault allegations continue to surface across industries. President Trump’s campaign is shaped by, and aimed at, an audience largely existing on Twitter. Boys learn at a young age, from pop culture, their elders, and their peers, that it’s normal to have to convince a woman to have sex, and that repeated small violations of her boundaries are an acceptable way to do so — perhaps even the only way. What more can one do?”, Megan Bruce: “If anyone thinks this type of scene is normal and just a bad date, they’re making a really great argument for why #metoo is so desperately necessary and how incredibly far we have to go.”, Lara Therrien Boulos: “Hard pass. Ansari initially responded with a statement saying he had been “surprised and concerned” to learn that Grace was “uncomfortable” on their date. It’s very common. Creating a culture in which fewer people experience what Grace describes will require better sex ed, that teaches more than just consent, challenges gender roles, and encourages people to put their desires and those of their partners above social expectations. Read body language. If there’s any family that should sit out attacking others for alleged corruption, it’s the Trumps. For adults who have already grown up in a culture with a skewed view of sex, a widespread social conversation about the importance of communication, consent, and actually caring about one’s partner’s experience certainly couldn’t hurt. "The Babe story totally derails any future stories about Aziz Ansari that might come out," opinion writer Sonny Bunch argues. Other massive blazes are close behind. A millennial moved back in with her parents. It’s complicated, but she let him know several times she wasn’t digging the aggressive way he pursued her, physically. How many times were my own actions perceived incorrectly? To learn more or opt-out, read our Cookie Policy. Grace telling her story adds to the narrative; it doesn’t derail it, and this article is victim-blaming at its worst.”, Nicole Dahl: “If we read this story and it was Taylor Swift making the same moves on a guy, people would be saying, ‘WHAT?! HLN host Ashleigh Banfield, for instance, read on air an “open letter” to Grace, in which she said “I’m sorry you had a bad date” but that “what you have done is appalling” because it “chiseled away” at the #MeToo movement. Babe.net published its story on Grace’s allegation, written by reporter Katie Way, in January 2018. A woman publicly known as Grace went on a date with actor and comedian Aziz Ansari in September. Kristen Welker is moderating the final presidential debate. ", Nichole Kathleen Palmer: “The Babe piece never stated that she said ‘yes’ to oral sex, and as Rape Trauma Services explained in a presentation to my class last year, consent can only be given in the form of a verbal and enthusiastic, ‘YES!’ Not a ‘yes’ that feels guilted into performing any kind of sexual act. Ansari’s willingness to talk about how he grappled with the allegation, without defensiveness or anger, has value, especially since the comic is influential among young men today. Trump and Weinstein are both on trial. “I’m sure there’s some of you that are curious how I feel about that whole situation,” the comedian says in his special Right Now, released this week. Women thanked each other for raising important questions, patiently explaining their views and boldly sharing their own truths. What did she want from Ansari before and after its publication? But given the vitriol to which she was subjected in the media and by the public (I continued to get emails from readers denigrating her for months after the Babe story ran), it’s difficult to argue with that decision. This woman is not right on so many levels. In Right Now, however, he got to it immediately, then returned to it again at the end of show, expressing his gratitude that audiences are still coming out to see him. This particular account is not ASSAULT. “I cried the whole ride home,” she told Babe. I think a lot of the conversation around this has to do with the fact that many men don’t believe that they’ve crossed any boundaries and don’t consider how the power dynamics play into the situation. For all the criticism Grace’s story received from Flanagan and others, it also received countless nods of recognition on social media, from women and men. That’s where I’m stuck.”, Erin Durbin-Sherer: “I have to disagree that assault is a lot about intent. Some people protested his shows, but a larger, more high-profile group, including many in media, began using the allegation against the comedian as an example of the movement going too far. Perhaps what is especially threatening about Grace’s story is that it involves a situation in which many men can imagine themselves. “It means the world to me, because I saw the world where I don’t ever get to do this again, and it almost felt like I died.”. Obama delivers a blistering critique of Trump in his first stump speech of the 2020 cycle. At this point, the person I really want to hear from on the Ansari allegation is Grace, though I understand if she never wants to speak publicly on the matter again. Unlike the reports of the many women who have come forward about Weinstein, Grace’s story is not about work. Ever since babe.net published the piece about Grace — a 23-year-old photographer who had a terrible sexual encounter with actor and comedian Aziz Ansari — the topic of what constitutes as sexual assault has been at the forefront of many people’s minds. The wording was slightly different in Chicago, but the sentiment, and the anecdote about the friend, was the same. It’s about sex and dating, and about gendered patterns of behavior that are both incredibly common and deeply in need of change. The result is that situations like the one Grace describes, in which a man keeps pushing and a woman, though uncomfortable, doesn’t immediately leave, happen all the time. Aziz Ansari responds to sexual misconduct allegations against him, Third-degree murder charge dropped against former officer in George Floyd killing, Pope Francis endorses same-sex civil unions, No, Trump hasn’t been the best president for Black America since Lincoln. As many have pointed out, movies past and present frequently depict men overcoming women’s initial lack of interest through persistent effort — that is, when they’re not mining coercion and voyeurism for laughs. How women feel like we owe men something sexually, how elusive consent can feel, how strange it is we sometimes lose our confident voices in sexual situations, how complex sex is emotionally even when we go in with different expectations … all of those issues deserve a platform in the feminist discussion. How Chris Pratt became the internet’s least favorite Chris, Trump’s presidential campaign is Too Online. This was especially concerning since, as Shepherd notes, Babe approached Grace to tell her story, not the other way around. PTSD, c-PTSD, fight-or-flight mode triggers make things a lot more complicated than you might think.”, Anita Cake: “To me, a large degree of assault is about intent. In the special, largely similar to live shows the comedian has been performing around the country this year, Ansari focused mostly on how the episode affected him. That’s why we have to talk about it. But ever since it was first founded by Tarana Burke more than a decade ago, the movement was supposed to be about supporting survivors. Later, she says he suggested they “just chill, but this time with our clothes on” — but once they were dressed, he tried to remove her clothes again. None of this will happen if we refuse to reckon with stories like Grace’s. THAT’S ASSAULT. With everyone talking about how Grace’s story would affect Ansari’s career or the larger movement, few if any were asking what an appropriate remedy for Grace might look like, or what actions by Ansari, if any, would best address her feelings. A millennial moved back in with her parents. Babe.net published its story on Grace’s allegation, written by reporter Katie Way, in January 2018. Other massive blazes are close behind. Listening to Grace doesn’t mean deciding all men should go to prison, or should lose their jobs. The original Babe article did her a disservice, as Julianne Escobedo Shepherd wrote at Jezebel at the time, by focusing on things like her clothing and wine choices, and by including vague and confusing language, with little context, about how Grace named the encounter. What happened between them is at the center of the latest debate around consent, sexual assault, and the #MeToo moment. Her mom maybe wants her to stay forever. But talking is exactly what we need. And this is more than many high-profile men accused as part of the #MeToo movement have offered. But missing from the special — and from every single one of Ansari’s public statements about the matter — was a direct apology to Grace. Others, like President Donald Trump, have seen no real consequences at all. A woman’s account of her date with the actor reveals our broken attitudes toward sex. Grace’s story may tarnish Ansari’s reputation, especially since he’s gotten credit for dealing with the issue of sexual harassment on his show Master of None.

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