Wine service is one of the most profoundly uncomfortable experiences a person can go through (see also: public speaking, death). ‘But we do,’ you say, brightening visibly, ‘have a Queenslander.’. I’m just going to set another table then I’ll see how far off your mains are. But a somm stumbling across someone who loves wine as much as they do will be overcome with joy. Sommeliers aren’t sneery anymore. Do you think saying three words instead of one perfectly serviceable ‘yes’ will show you’re working harder, or that you deserve a bigger tip? Most people just want to get out of the transaction as quickly as possible with their dignity and credit card intact. Same goes for wine. Most of the time the job must feel a bit like looking down at lobsters dangling over a pot of boiling water, if lobsters could look panicked, instead of just lobstery. Why is everything not a problem? Florid wine-speak just makes people squirm. Self-confessed ‘world’s worst waitress’ turned one of Australia’s most respected food critics, Larissa Dubecki, has spent two decades serving and being served. They don’t want to be laughed at for dabbling around the shallow end. It’s my culinary bit of rough, and I’m normally only a little bit ashamed, but then you go and say ‘We don’t do Hawaiian’ with a little trill of a laugh, one of those fake operatic la-la-la’s clinically proven to reduce the receiver’s height by a foot and a half. It’s just taking the news a while to filter through. ‘Yes. I’ve come to eat in a hip pizzeria, you work in a hip pizzeria. Or is it simply that if you say ‘not a problem’ enough, the entire restaurant will be appraised of the fact that you do not, in fact, have a problem? A lot of people think sommeliers are scary but they’re not - they’re really super-fun guys and the most important person in any restaurant. No one’s going to think badly of you, and your memory game is making us a bit jumpy that our triple-cooked chips have already been forgotten. Why, indeed, should it be a problem when you’re just doing your job? A quick wham-bam, second-cheapest-bottle-of-wine-ma’am kind of thing. How is everything? Someone they can talk to in their wine-speak mother tongue, all silky gamay this and fleshy shiraz that. Gosh, it’s awkward. Fish in a barrel and all that. Some of them get more excited about those trendy low-intervention Orange wines with their sock-drawer musty strangeness than anyone reasonably ought, but they took the pole out of the backside some time ago. Namely: chefs who make waiters too scared to ask questions. Awesome. Well, you’ve just asked a fairly intangible question and it will take some time to formulate a reasoned and considered answer - if I was in a position to answer, which I’m not, considering I’m currently chewing a mouthful of food, and come to think of it I would prefer to eat my meal than engage in chit-chat with someone who simply requires me to say ‘good, thanks’ and would not know how to react should there be an actual complaint. It’s a cheap shot to pick on the somm. God they love that shit. 'Not a problem'. Just once I’d like a waiter to say ‘Have you dined with us before?’ and if someone at the table says ‘No’, hit them with: ‘This is a restaurant. There’s a story about the actress Cameron Diaz visiting St Kilda restaurant Circa, when she interrupted the sommelier’s wordy introduction to an expensive French red with the immortal line ‘Just give me the juice, baby’. Let’s keep the veil of mystery up, thanks all the same. She knows exactly what diners don’t like. In some ways this is an unpleasant by-product of a bigger issue, in the way of pink slime in the meat industry, permeate in the milk industry, or travel allowance scandals in the political industry. They’re feeling vulnerable. It’s not their fault that the average person treats dealing with the somm on a par with going to the dentist: delicate and expensive, but necessary if you want to keep eating at fancy restaurants. You eat it.’. I find it a bit sad that someone can study for years and years only to have people recoil when all they want to do is share the glad tidings of a cheeky Argentinian Torrontes that has the wicked snap of knicker elastic. We serve food. You don’t really want to know that the carburettor had to be cleaned and the throttle shaft replaced. And finally we arrive at the wine waiter. Diners remain on high alert. The ‘not a problem’ waiter is one step up from the ‘Hi, I’ll be your waiter today’ waiter … One of us! It’s a big menu, you want to order well, how about a little bit of insider knowledge? I come here all the time.’). I’m just going to set your table now. Are we in a restaurant in France or any French-speaking part of the world? Wow. Even pointing to the big-ticket items involving foie gras and truffle would be preferable to the bland cop-out of ‘Everything’s good!’— although don’t point me to the prawn gumbo on the specials list, which is a transparent way to get rid of last Friday’s seafood. Any restaurant that does need explanation is a bad, over-thought, overwrought restaurant from which you should run away at speed. I’m just going to get your drinks, then I’ll come back and take your order. You just want to know that the bloody thing was fixed, and that you weren’t too badly ripped off in the process. They’ll keep sidling back to the wine-appreciating table like a dog that’s been kicked too many times and just wants a ruffle behind the ears.

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